#tbt Throw back Thursday

#fbf Flash back Friday

I don’t know about you, but I love looking at “old” pictures.  I have a great stash of photo’s that came from my grandma and grandpa Fish’s house.  When my grandma passed away, and her house was being cleaned out, I grabbed as many as I was allowed.

Gma Fish, baby Kelly, Dad, Great Gma

Baby Audra, Kelly, Gpa Fish

The pictures are mostly of my dad.  Ranging from new born pics all the way through to when I was born.  There are a few of some other family members, and of course, my grandma and grandpa.

My grandma Freeman (my mom’s mom) is an uninhibited picture taker.  Her home is full of pictures displayed as well as albums filled.  One of my favorite things to do when I’m at her house is to look through those albums.  Wherever she is, her camera is with her.  I think I get my impulsive urge to photo take from her.

Baby Kelly, Papa & Gma Freeman

George, Jake, Tim, Heidi, Patrick, Cindy

Pictures mean a lot to me.  I take numerous pictures every day.  Whether on my phone or on my rebel t2i.  I’ve become pretty obsessed with photography and am currently researching new lenses.  I’m no professional, but I love it.  I’m desperate to capture everything and to learn how to take the best pictures.

When it comes to #tbt and #fbf, I want to hide.  If you’re not familiar with this social media trend, it’s pretty easy to figure out.  People post a picture from the past and tag it #tbt or #fbf, depending on the day.  Now, I like to look at other people’s posts, but to participate myself is extremely hard.

There is something about looking at pictures of loved ones that have passed.  For me, a sense of warmth mixed with longing mixed with man do I love these people comes over me.  I also start “wishing.”  Wishing I would have said this or that.  Wishing I would have asked certain questions.  Longing for just one more moment with that person.

Gpa Hubert and Jake

 Happiness for the memories created and the life that once was.  Reminiscing is what these pictures present and what #tbt and #fbf represent.  However, for me, with Liv, the act of looking backwards is just a firm reminder of what has been lost, the changes that have occurred within her, and what her future holds.  It’s so bittersweet to look back.  I avoid it at all costs, however, it’s all around me.  And ultimately, it’s ok.

My Fridge

Great Great Grandma and baby Kelly

 I find myself searching for her smile.  Her laugh.  They seem to be few and far between these days.  You know that book “Let me hold you longer” by Karen Kingsbury?  I love it so much, but “will I recognize your lasts?”  is a quote from that book that rings in my mind on a daily basis.  Will this day be the last smile or laugh?  Frankly, it’s horrible.  But on the flip side, getting a smile or a laugh is like opening a Christmas present because I am so in tune to holding on to her before the cloud of MPS gets too dark.

So, I take a million and one pics, but rarely do I look back.  Video’s, heck no.  Just today I had my camera out and have this 15 second video that I have locked on my memory card.  It’s of Finley when she was 2 years old.  She’s dressed in a pirate’s costume and I have her say “Scurvy buccaneer” and “Shiver me timbers.”  I showed it to her.  We sat and watched that video together for 5 minutes.  Playing it over and over again.  We laughed so hard and she asked me so many questions about it.  It was such a great 5 minutes.  I remember, as a kid, loving to watch home videos (on BETA, yes BETA video).  We have video of Liv before diagnosis, and I’ve never watched them.  But, I’m glad we have them.  Just like the million and one pictures I’ve taken and will take.  They are a security blanket for me.  Because one day, it’s all I’ll have of her.  These pictures will help me remember every.  single.  thing.

A #fbf of my baby girls