Permission to be

For Jake
Yesterday was a very emotional day for me.  It comes out of nowhere, at times.  Sometimes there are triggers, and I can pin point one.  An MPS mother posted about a dream she had about her newly passed son.  I got that this dream brought her comfort as well as extreme sadness and ache from the loss of her son. 
She misses her son.
It hit me…there will be a day that all I have of Livia are memories and pictures.  There will be a day that she will not physically be with us.  That’s when the elephant took residence upon my chest, AND…. would.  not.  get up.  All day long, all I could think about was Liv not being here.  I wanted to run to her school, pick her up, and hold her under a quilt the rest of the day.  I cried at everything.  Another friend posted a video about a sunset boat cruise and the video showed dolphins jumping in and out of the water.  It was a happy video, but I sobbed like a newborn.  I kept it all to myself.  I thought several times that I should call someone.  I always think about calling Jake, but he’s so busy at school and I don’t want to bring him down.  I don’t want to bring anyone down.  
Wednesday evenings I teach body pump.  I didn’t want to teach, but I knew a good sweat would make me feel better.  I walked into the Y feeling so tired, so weighed down.  I put a smile on my face and welcomed my class.  No one knew that I spent the majority of my day crying.  I want to have normal conversations and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me.  I don’t want those of you reading this to think that I have a facade externally that I wear day to day.  That is beyond false.  97% of my days are spent in peace.  THANK GOODNESS!  So, when I get home, I’m greeted by a cheery toothless Finley grin.  Like she’s not seen me in days.  It was refreshing and genuine.  Jake is on the floor with both girls getting ready to play a game with Finley.  I love love love this about my husband.  He is hands on, involved, loving, honest, and strong.  {I love his muscles!}  I was a little late getting home, but that’s not a big deal.  I was ready to put the girls to bed, ready to eat, and ready to curl up under my quilt and veg.  Finley and Jake just started their game, and I wasn’t about to tell them “no.”  Bed time eventually came, and our routine ensued.  Of course, Finley picked one of my least favorite books to read, but I read it.  Girls were tucked in, now I can just be.  I went to the kitchen, made my food, plopped on the couch.  Jake was on the other couch, ipad in hand, getting ready to start one of our shows.  We didn’t talk, not really.  Show was on, he was playing a game and watching.  I was starting to get mad, but talking myself out of it.  Shouldn’t he have just known that I had a horrible day?  I was mad, at nothing.  Show is over, I have attitude, and off to bed we go.  Jake totally picks up on my mood, and try’s to talk to me.  I think I just needed to feel angry.  Isn’t this a normal “step” in experiencing grief?  I completely took it out on him, all the while hearing myself spit anger and realizing WHOA WHOA WHOA, what are you doing?  I could hear how ridiculous I was being, and told Jake that it wasn’t him that I was angry at, I just felt angry.  I was sad all day long, and no one knew.  My fault.  I was putting up a barrier with someone that I cherish and need.  Jake tells it how it is, but allows me to be me.  I needed to just be angry, and even though anger does cause a barrier, he let me be.
I’m so thankful that I got a new day, today.  I usually dream, every night.  I didn’t dream last night, and I slept soundly.  I woke up thinking about last night and yesterday.  Before I got out of bed, I prayed that God would give me the strength and peace that I would need for the day.  I thanked Him for my family, especially Jake.  Our relationship has been through a few trials during our {almost} 9 years of marriage.  This past year has presented with a big trial for us, but has proven to only strengthen our relationship.  I am a true believer that God works through us and our situations if we are open to it.  It could be very easy to throw up your hands and walk away.  It could be easy to let anger fuel your thoughts, decisions, and relationships.  We are proof that with God, love, patience, and honesty, life can flourish and be absolutely beautiful.
Life is fleeting.  For everyone.  Awareness of this came in the form of a beautiful, blonde headed, brown eyed, life filled, joyful, always smiling, little gift, that Jake and I get the honor of calling our daughter.  We are more in love with her with each new day.  The reality of her short life is what causes this ache and pain that on days like yesterday, are hard to shake and hard to ignore.  As we pray for a miracle….daily, the sadness comes because if Sanfilippo runs it’s course with Liv, there will be a long time (God willing that we live out a long life) that Livia will not be a part of.  She is part of our family and has taught us what love and life should look like.  God gave us a gift, and He will call her home.  I’m on a mission of forgiveness, so that one day we will all be together in eternity.  Livia will be there, guaranteed.  Now to get the rest of us there.
Jake, I love you and thank you for being my partner in life.  You have helped me grow in my faith, encouraged me in my crazy endeavors, and loved me through my emotions.  I know we were created for this, and together, we will make it through.