I can’t deny……..

That I’m:

I’m only human, right? I need to admit something. I try really hard to have an exterior that exudes strength and happiness. It’s not always a true front! There are days that I have this candy coated shell, while inside I’m screaming and think this pit in my throat is going to constrict my ability to breath. I’d like to blame my ongoing mood on the lack of sunshine, but that’s not true. I think I’m just sad. I feel alone and I’m tired of worrying.

Did anyone notice the above list is shaped like a diamond? Totally unintentional on my part, but maybe it was meant to be.

After I typed the first paragraph I literally wanted to stop and slap myself across the face. I HATE blogging like this. Yes, it’s honest and real, but I don’t like to complain. I thought about erasing and starting over because who doesn’t have SOMETHING and who wants to read my sob story? But I didn’t. I kept reading that list over and over again and then noticed that it looked like a diamond. So, I decided to google “diamond” and after reading what Wikipedia defined diamond as, my blog now had form. Literally. So, here goes………….(read HERE, just the first two paragraph’s if you want to know where I’m coming from, or just read on!)

A diamond, something that is unbreakable. Obviously that does not define me. However, the unbreakable bond that I have with Liv is something pretty spectacular. We have something different between the two of us that is hard to explain. I understand her and know what she wants. This bond and mutual understanding is something that I don’t think everyone gets to experience. I have a bond with Finley, a great one, but it’s very different than Liv’s. Diamond’s are remarkably beautiful and have a luster that make them treasured by everyone. Have you ever heard anyone say “yuck, I never want a shiny diamond!” Probably not. There aren’t many diamonds out there that are perfect. Some have small flaws. I would never describe my kids as “flawed.” But we all are in some way. When you start dating someone, you notice their “flaws” that annoy you or maybe attract you. Livia has a pretty major flaw, a genetic deformity, to be exact. But so do I, Jake does, and so does Finley. You know what? There is a large percentage of people out there who have some sort of genetic mutation and don’t even know it. But does that mean you aren’t beautiful and unique? So often I find myself really upset when I see Livia around “typical” kids her own age. Kids and adults notice that there is something different about her. I put my defense up and am ready to pounce and defend her if needed. I think I need to change my attitude. I have a chance to teach kids and adults compassion to others. It’s hard though, because you don’t want to dive into details of why Livia won’t talk back to you or why she likes to chew the arms off her Barbie. I need to just compassionately tell people that Livia is like a diamond……she’s beautiful, unique, and different. Ok, so I probably wouldn’t ever tell someone that my child is like a diamond, but you get my point!

Also can’t deny:

That I’m:

This diamond was formed on purpose! My candy coated shell didn’t just form overnight, and isn’t always just a front. I’m allowed a few tears here and there and I think this post helped put perspective back in it’s place.