Will you be here tomorrow

Let’s face it, no one can really answer this question. Our hope is yes, of course I’ll be here tomorrow. My thoughts on this are not so much for myself, but for Liv. I realize this is a pretty awful thing to think about and pretty depressing for a Monday morning, but this is my reality. In the back of my mind is a constant thought of losing my child. A pit in my heart that no one should have to feel. I try so hard to not let this thought surface because I can feel myself going to a dark place. The truth is, it’s always there in some way. Last night Jake and I watched “The Blind Side.” What a great feel good movie. I cried through most of it. During the movie (I can’t tell you at what point) I felt anxious about Livia not being with me. I do mean in that moment in time, not a thought of her being gone forever. I knew she was comfortable in her bed, but I needed her with me. I wanted to feel the warmth of her body and smell her sweet smell. I was surrounded by her pictures, and in a way, it made it worse. Then I started thinking about her not being there like really not being there. Then it felt really bad. I can’t IMAGINE not holding her or hearing her. I had this thought awhile back when Livia was in a different car than us. It was Jake, Finley and I and the thought came to me that someday it may be like this, just the three of us in the car. It’s so hard to imagine that time and I know I shouldn’t because no one REALLY knows what our time looks like on the earth. We can only hope that tomorrow will come for us and we can be happy about yesterday. As dark and as hard as these thoughts can be on me, I can find the light in all of it. I can LIV today so full and make it a point to love my kids just a little harder. I find joy in the smallest things that before diagnosis I would have taken for granted. I love watching my girls eat! Even in the frustrating moments of dirty diapers, teething and loads and loads of laundry…………I’m lucky to experience it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m human and I get angry and frustrated but I have a constant reminder to just take a deep breath, get over it and move on. There are more important things to put my energy towards like living my best life today and praying to be blessed with tomorrow. I love you Livia and Finley more than you’ll ever know. You make my today worth it!

Philippians 4:6
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”