January 19

Having a two, almost three year old and an 8month old is hard work. Three year old’s like to get into things, like to test the waters and boundaries. This particular three year old likes to bite and when she is frustrated sometimes reverts to head-butting. I can’t help but react to these behaviors in a way that I think most parents would. Sometimes I physically remove her from a situation and firmly tell her what she did was wrong. When I’m dealing with a teething/fussy baby and a bag of chips gets spilled on the floor I can’t help but get angry and raise my voice. Today Livia bit me, and this is not typical behavior from her. I hate to say that Jake is the one that she tends to bite and be more aggressive towards. When Liv bit me I was so shocked, and hurt, that I swatted her mouth. Not hard, but enough that it shocked her and she cried. All day today I’ve felt like every time I’d get after her, and she never really did anything real bad, but I’d feel extremely guilty for disciplining her. I know that in the back of my mind I’m thinking……please don’t remember me like this. Don’t let this “good time” in your life be memories of your mommy getting mad at you. As I write this I feel really stupid about having these thoughts. We hardly ever have days like today. Most days are spent laughing and having a good time. We did laugh today, but I was in a bad spot all day. One of my biggest fears is that one day I’m going to look back and have regrets. I desperately want to make Livia’s and Finley’s life precious, meaningful, important and memorable. How do I find the balance and not feel guilty when I have to discipline Livia? I know this phase will pass when Finley isn’t so needy, but I don’t want her baby phase to end. I desperately want to hold on to this time. I think this is why I have my bad days. My mind and my needs go so back and forth. Having this helpless and out of control feeling is a bad emotion to have.

I miss my family terribly. I miss my friends that I don’t get to see. I even miss my friends that have chosen to step out of my life. This pains me so bad. I wonder so often how it can be so easy to just ignore. I cry about it more than I’d like to admit. However, it fuels my fight and ironically gives me inspiration.

I needed my mom so bad today. I desperately wanted just time with her. No kids, no husbands, just her and I. I can’t even remember when the last time just the two of us had time together. I have a special relationship with both of my parents. I view them with so much respect, yet since they got divorced they are different people. They are still my mom and dad, but its taken time for me to learn how to handle a divorce as an adult. I see them differently than I did when I was a kid. Not bad, just different. I know them differently now. I love them both so much and want nothing more than for them to be happy. OK, how did I get off on this subject? I love you mom and dad. I miss you and Audra so much it hurts. I miss our family. Some of my best childhood memories are 4th street and the farm.

Ultimately I know tomorrow will be a better day. I can reflect on today and learn what I don’t want to do tomorrow.

Yesterday is but a dream, tomorrow but a vision.
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness,
and every tomorrow a vision of hope.

Indian Proverb