My emotions are overwhelming this evening. Jake and I had a true heart to heart after watching The Biggest Loser. That Abby, what an inspiration she is. Its funny the things that can trigger our emotions. Jake and my relationship is stronger than it ever has been. I have the best partner to go through this journey with.
I was telling Jake tonight that when we got Livia’s diagnosis it seemed like everyone would always say the same thing to me. They told me to live for today, don’t focus on the future. This made me angry to hear. I couldn’t understand why people were telling me this. How could I not think about our future. However, since the dust has somewhat settled since her diagnosis I can say that this wasn’t terrible advice. This isn’t easy to say or admit, but I feel like we’ve been given a gift. I LIV each day with my eyes wide open. I take in every laugh, every hug, every nap/cuddle, every everything! I feel like the way in which we were living before this diagnosis was in a way taken for granted. My friend Stefanie put it in a good way. She said before this we were living in black and white and now our lives are in color. I love that. We don’t know exactly what tomorrow is going to bring. I cherish my days with my whole heart. I am scared of our future, but I know it’s going to all work out. Right now my focus is on being the best mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend I can be. I can honestly say that I am happy. I have 2 beautiful girls who are so happy and full of life. I have the BEST husband that is my guardian angel. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends. I truly feel blessed. I also have to say that I have a renewed faith in God since all of this. I did have my moment when I was angry and confused with Him. This is such a comfort to me that I can talk to God now and read His word and feel connected with our Savior again. I’ve always been a Christian and believed in God. I had a bad experience at church when I was younger and I think that turned me away for many years. I didn’t understand a lot, and didn’t know the right questions to ask. When Jake came into my life, he answered so many things for me and explained a lot. I’m still in awe of his knowledge and how strong his faith is. I finished reading the book “Holding onto Hope.” If you have a chance to read this, please do. Especially if you have suffered the loss of someone, are going through a difficult time, or just need some insight on how to cope with an emotion. I feel like I’m all over the place with this post, but I’m just letting my heart sing. One more thing before I go………….if you know someone who is going through a hard time………be there for them. Just tell them you love them and are thinking of them. I regret not doing this more in my past. It breaks my heart to think that someone might have thought that I didn’t think about them or was praying for them. People can’t read your minds, or your hearts. Be honest but most of all let them know you are there. It’s so awful to feel like you are alone.
But I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, “You are my God!” My future is in your hands. (Psalm 31:14-15)